Seeing a spider in my room isnt scary. 216. I am finding fun and joy in everything I do and everywhere I go. I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. Quotes that make no sense Photo: pexels.com (modified by author) Source: UGC. When the past comes knocking, dont answer. The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa. 265. Envelope. "Your mistakes don't define you.". "If you see me talking to myself. Really? I am attractive just as I am. 78. If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front. 150. Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal. Stay focused and consistent, and youll start noticing the healing powers of humor and fun. In the morning, I cant get up. My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it. I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. Read next: 45 Self-Compassion Affirmations to Practice when Feeling Low. Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday? 122. Affirmations for wealth can be a great way of getting your thoughts in order and creating a positive outlook. My mistakes dont define me. 6. 99. I havent talked to my wife in three weeks. A wishbone. 18. 68. 80 Soren Kierkegaard Quotes On Love, Life And Philosophy, Top 90 Martin Luther King Jr. 44. I teach my kids good things in sarcastic ways. I receive what I believe. Robert A. Heinlein, 243. Im in desperate need of a 6-month vacation, twice a year. 78. "Today will be a great day". Im like a postage stamp. If you want flowers on February 14, plant them now., 6. Square box, round pizza, triangle slices, now thats confusing. Cry a river. Following my intuition and my heart keeps me safe and sound. I will create my own magic like my name is J. K. Rowling. Life is becoming easier and less serious. 148. 210. When you fall, I will be there to catch you with love. Sam Levenson. Good morning! 256. 101. 36. You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish. 158. Let me gather my thoughts and crush this Monday., 15. Sorry, I didnt pick up my phone, I got carried away dancing to the ringtone. The most important thing to remember when using positive affirmations is that it is all about how you feel. They shape our present and have an impact on our future. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Live life to the fullest. 198. I am happy and joyful. [click_to_tweet tweet="Things are getting better all the time" quote="Things are getting better all the time" theme="style4] 6. A mind is like a parachute. I choose to stop obsessing about my body. 241. Your mind will naturally focus more on the positive things that happen that day rather than the negatives. No, but April may. 234. 119. Maybe there are no excuses to be lazy, but Im still going to keep looking. The world needs people like me to keep things interesting!, 15. Top 10 Funny Affirmations For Self-Esteem, Funny Daily Affirmations To Boost Your Energy, Funny Positive Affirmations For Confidence, 90 Funny Affirmations To Start Your Day With Laughter, 90 Inspiring & Funny Quotes About Ageing Gracefully, 280 Positive Money Affirmations For An Abundance Mindset. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart. People say you cant live without love, but I think oxygen is more important. Sometimes I am so freaking awesome, I blow my own mind. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Youre just gonna feel embarrassed for a minute or two and then it will be over. My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. Whats the best thing about Switzerland? IRS: Weve got what it takes to take what you have got. 47. "My funny vibes attract my happy tribe.". 269. Jun 19, 2018 - Explore Jamie Hadland's board "funny/sarcastic affirmations" on Pinterest. If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible? How do you count cows? Feel free to pick a few of these affirmations and say them to yourself the next time youre overwhelmed, stressed, or just dealing with negative self-talk. P.D. Cindy from Marzahn 177. I am feeling wittier and more naturally funny. My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. 276. 139. Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when Im with you. I just go normal from time to time. 217. I love my job only when Im on vacation. Because he was always spotted. 257. What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? You might undoubtedly relate with them, and yet you will not feel laid back because of your weaknesses. 146. 279. 84. 162. We have divided these daily funny affirmations in these sections; Also check out our post ondaily affirmations for womenandaffirmations for menthat can help you to feel motivated and reshape your limiting beliefs. These affirmations will help you to combat the lies of the enemy in every aspect of your life. Without further ado, lets look at 20 funny affirmations to build your self-esteem. Happiness is a choice. 21. If Im not there, I go to work. Robert Orben, 4. 64. I personally love watching masters of comedy captivate audiences with their dark humor and crafty punchlines. I stick to things until I get to my destination. 230. 102. Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. 52. Marriage is like a walk in the park, Jurassic Park. Send me the link. Why was six scared of seven? Im old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway. 211. Im sorry that Im not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. Never take life seriously. I didnt give a f*ck yesterday, I dont give a f*ck today, and I wont give a f*ck tomorrow either. Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible? Yeah, so is a grenade. Then perhaps youd find value in these articles on how to write affirmations and the benefits of affirmations. ". Marriage is like a walk in the park, Jurassic Park. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. Affirmations are a powerful tool to overcome self-sabotaging thoughts and boost your self-esteem. Funny affirmations youll find here will boost your confidence and make you laugh. Home: Where I can look ugly and not care. Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there. I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge. Life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control. Im so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed. Why cry for someone when you can laugh next to someone else? 147. Not looking at the price tag when Im shopping., 11. And a funny bone. Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world. Never test how deep the water is with both feet. I love my job only when Im on vacation. 95. Who says nothing is impossible? Stuart Turner, 247. 188. 40. You can think about your affirmations at work, while driving, when you practice yoga, and when you spend time with your . 259. 2. Wilson Mizner 201. 205. Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. Why cant you play cards on a small boat? 31. My dream job would be the Karma delivery service. Czech proverb Today, I choose to put on my positive pants. Sorry, I didnt pick up my phone, I got carried away dancing to the ringtone. Stop texting me in the middle of texting you, now I have to change my text. I just go normal from time to time. With time, I have started to value more time. Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool. 2. Positive Affirmations And Inspiring Quotes About Life Life is filled with highs and lows, sometimes, we need some inspirational quotes to help us overcome challenges of life and offer guidance to us. Laughter can help you see the humor in otherwise grim situations. Doing nothing is hard, you never know when youre done. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. I radiate calmness and tranquility, with a little side of body odor., 4. ~ Bill Gates. Remember: Dont Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. Home: Where I can look ugly and not care. You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here. This is because, in order to be funny, there are certain details that need to be perfectly delivered. But it'll move up again.". 265. We get so worried about being pretty lets be pretty kind, pretty funny, pretty smart, pretty strong., 9. What do I do for a living? Im not here to judge, Im just pointing out all the mistakes youre making. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Here, we are listing down some awesome funny positive affirmations that will bring out serious positive changes in you. Im amusing and make the people around me happy. 100 Funny Christmas Quotes. 153. 99. Inspiring Quotes About Life "Here, we like to keep you inspired by showing you beautiful words of wisdom based . 97. I can engage in small acts of kindness to uplift other people. Affirmations can either be written down, spoken out loud, or visualized in the form of a conversation between money and you. Exercise? Let us know which of these motivational affirmations inspired you the most. 53. Today, I look at my goals. Relationships these days start by pressing LIKE on her photo. 160. Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter; people the opposite. Some when they enter, others when they leave., 2. Why is England the wettest country? - Unknown. If youre just starting your affirmation journey, you might feel skeptical at first. Life gives the test first and then the lesson. You may feel a little embarrassed and vulnerable. My cankles will hold me. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools. It has nothing new to tell you. 34. First, read the most powerful affirmations below to build a strong mind. 153. Wake up and smell the birdshit on your windshield. Actually, you dont have to imagine. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut. 173. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. I rescued some beer that was trapped in a bottle. Still, you need to embrace each of these surprises with same positive conviction and appreciation. 5. I have a new hairstyle today, its called I tried. It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, 9. No matter how bad it gets, Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. Dont make me laugh, Im trying to be mad at you. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. 29. So with that being said, heres a list of funny affirmations. Whatever the case may be, these 15 affirmations will make you feel confident in your sense of humor: Once youre feeling happy and confident about your sense of humor, use these 35 affirmations to navigate challenging situations with a smile. I am tough and resilient. I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays. Can February march? I didnt give you the finger, you earned it. Not everyone has to like me. Heres a giant list of funny affirmations to help you relax your mind with a little humor when youre stressed. 279. To put your affirmations into practice, follow these steps. I put my phone in airplane mode, but its not flying. Given below are some short quotes to tickle your funny bone. You can write them down and use them whenever youre attending a social event or if you simply just want to make yourself laugh. 2. I personally love watching masters of comedy, Feel free to pick a few of these affirmations and say them to yourself the next time youre. 7. If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get punched in the face a lot. 114. "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. Im not lazy, Im just very relaxed. The world is missing some pizzazz. Choose a job you love and youll never have to work a day in your lifebecause that field isnt hiring. 17. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. 39. 268. The rest are too expensive. 3. 196. Next up is a collection of funny affirmations that will make you love yourself more. We all have different and distinctive senses of humor thats what makes us such unique individuals. 217. 182. Why cant you trust an atom? 15. These little phrases can be said aloud or written down anywhere to remind yourself that everything will turn out okay. 74. I hope you enjoyed this article on funny affirmations! Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize. I tried, but they wanted cash. The older I get, the more I start ignoring my friends. 1. 44. I didnt mean to push all your buttons, I was just looking for the mute button. After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F. 204. If you cant laugh at your own problems, call me and Ill laugh at them. 19. Maybe Monday doesn't like you either. 80. Why couldnt the leopard play hide and seek? Don't forget to be awesome. I love myself, which is why I dont need to love the idea of other people loving me. Microchips. Relax, its the weekend, just dont blink or it will be all over. Bill Murray Sincerely, yourself., 2. Use them throughout the day whenever you experience negative thoughts. Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it. By waking up and repeating this mantra, you will set the tone for the day. 102. What do computers eat for a snack? Yes, officer, I saw the speed limit, I just didnt see your car. What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? 62. 103. - Jack London. 55. Charles M. Schulz. 184. The only power you have is the word no. 1. I am thankful for all those difficult people in my life. And get over it. 218. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when Im with you. Really? Nobody gets out alive anyway. 92. Required fields are marked *. Whatever you must do todaydo it with the confidence of a 4-year-old in a Batman cape., 2. Bill Murray, 251. My son is now an entrepreneur. I love my body. Steve Martin 54. You can write them down and use them whenever you're attending a social event or if you simply just want to make yourself laugh. Its what it is supposed to be, dont overthink and let it go. I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. 35. A backbone. 132. 26. Erma Bombeck Youll probably grin or laugh if you say these affirmations aloud, thinking youre crazy. I could agree with you, but then wed both be wrong. Every day I become calmer and do more good for the world. Perhaps youre just starting to use affirmations and still cant take yourself seriously. I bet giraffes dont even know what farts smell like. Mind blown! "I receive what I believe.". Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it. 1. Im not running away from hard work, Im too lazy to run. 89. I didnt mean to push all your buttons, I was just looking for the mute button. In between, I am alive. I am grateful for the healing power of humor. My liver still works. Whatever the case may be, a sense of humor can go a long way toward changing your perspective on negative occurrences in your life. 245. "Whatever you do, do with all your might.". It has features that are distinctive and make me who I am. I am wise enough to make the same mistake again!, 8. My jokes do. Unit #2007 Mahwah, NJ 07430, 50 Funny Affirmations for Confidence, Motivation, and Self-Love, 39 Movies about Friendship and Being with Great People, Relationship OCD: Symptoms, Causes, and How to Treat, 45 Best Hobbies for Couples to Share Together, 51 Passion Project Ideas & Examples List for 2023, 21 Best Films That Explore Mental Illness, 41 Words of Encouragement for Someone in Jail, The 5 Best Vitamins for Anxiety (Our 2023 Review), 101 Toxic People Quotes to Stay Away from Negativity, 57 Strong Mom Quotes About Being a Powerful Parent, 7 Steps to Deal with Emotionally Unavailable Parents, 35 Best Songs About What Its Like to Have Anxiety. 172. Not me, but somebody does. My mistakes dont define me. Reciting witty affirmations can help you rise above any problems you encounter. I really should do something with my life, maybe tomorrow. Steve Martin, 254. 191. These kinds of things just come with the territory if youre trying to live a meaningful life. Look, youre smiling! IRS: Weve got what it takes to take what you have got. I am at peace with my body and accept it as it is. Funny Friday Quotes. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Oscar Wilde, 5. You know you are lazy when you get excited about canceling your plans. I am Ananya, a professional speaker and I love motivating people and inspiring them to pursue their dreams. The most important aspect is being honest with yourself and opting for a meaningful statement. Well, life isn't just about glitz and glamour nor rainbows and butterflies. I attract the right people and repel the wrong ones. 3. Im in desperate need of a 6-month vacation, twice a year. Rodney Dangerfield. You cant have everything, where would you put it? 70. Its called tomorrow. Short Funny Quotes. These 50 funny affirmations will help you feel better about yourself while keeping a wide smile on your face. 163. Im not weird, Im just limited edition. If you steal from one author, its plagiarism; if you steal from many, its research. I have Alzheimers bulimia, first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke. Today Im going to reach for the stars so that I can air out my armpits., 8. 231. Words have the power to make or break us. Cindy from Marzahn. Youre basically a houseplant with complicated emotions., 11. Billy Wilder. Hes dreaming too. Education cost money. 140. Albert King 3. 10. 113. 109. Well, I guess I have to be odd to be number one. 184. Even on my worst days, turning on some stand up immediately puts me in a better mood. 132. I can believe in myself for 5 minutes. A wishbone. Finding humor in a difficult situation helps me win. One thing you need to remember though; if you are going to be funny, then make sure youre actually funny. Ill start this journey with my 10 favorite funny affirmations that never fail to make me laugh. 76. 175. Life is always rocky when youre a gem. My goal this weekend is to move, just enough so people dont think Im dead. Happy Birthday.". Be kinder with yourself and change your thoughts for better health (physically and emotionally). 38. My diet for today: 1% food, 99% Halloween candy. 28. My boss is like a baby, screams and wakes me up every half hour. The only relationship I have is with my Wifi. Self-love is the greatest middle finger of all time., See also: 210 Killer Self Love Captions For Instagram To Lift You Up. Nothing, they just waved. If you see affirmations that say " I will, " " I used to, " or " I'm going to, " then this is NOT an affirmation. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? I did it! As an Amazon Associate we earn from qualifying purchases. 121. We have rounded up the best collection of funny affirmations, quotes, sayings, captions, positive thoughts (with images and pictures) to encourage friends and family to manifest their thoughts into things. 90. "Disconnect to connect.". Funny Daily Affirmations. Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible? The following is the list of some humorous affirmations for you: I am doing all the amazing things because I am an amazing human being. 41. 7. Never ask a starfish for directions. Need to send some positive energy your way? 58. Whatever I do, I will do it for fun, but with dedication and focus. Im not insulting you. 271. Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter; people the opposite. 14. When you leave work on Friday, leave work. My body deserves healthy food and exercise, not junk food or laziness. Life would be tragic if it werent funny too. With great power comes an even greater electricity bill. 214. 193. Wouldnt exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them? 205. All rights reserved. Loving yourself and believing in yourself is the first step in making these funny positive affirmations work for you. I am naturally cool, calm, and collected. 230. Yeah, so is a grenade. 4. 104. 13. I said yes, which turned out to be the right answer. A person with a great sense of humor is also more likable. I can't make everyone happy, I'm not tequila. I get up, dress up, and show up. Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Monday I shall slay thee with me mighty cup of coffee. Im sorry, but thats just the way I am. Without further ado, let's look at 20 funny affirmations to build your self-esteem. 154. 3. They allow you to focus on the positive and what is working in your life rather than dwelling on the negative. 47. 197. But you're not as old as you're going to be.". 79. 59. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wifes mother. 122. Wonderwoman: single. 220. 170. I am transforming into someone who is outgoing and makes others laugh. 162. 229. Ive got three bones. I dont know how to act my age because Ive never been this old before. Hmmm, this text message is a little too harsh, Ill add LOL at the end. Heres some short funny affirmations that will hopefully brighten up your day. Thank God Im an atheist. I love the moment when the coffee kicks in and I realize what an adorable badass I am going to be today. Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. 119. Frances McDormand People wont be going to bed thinking about that one bad joke you made. Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake. Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. 23. 2. Short people with an umbrella. And a funny bone. 126. I nourish my body every day. I dont need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. Im so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed. Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them. You cant have everything, where would you put it? Robert Bloch [click_to_tweet tweet=I can always think of something funny to say. quote=I can always think of something funny to say. theme=style4], 2023 Oldtown Publishing LLC 479 State Route 17 N Im lovely because everyone likes me more than Monday morning!, 7. Everyone wants to talk with me because I am very funny. You definitely dont want to kill the vibe by throwing a bad joke out there! I see food, and I eat it. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. Im thinking like a proton, always positive. Which affirmation put a smile on your face? Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door. I am lazy till I get a motive. Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else. At night, I cant fall asleep. "If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.". My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we met. A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have. Subscribe To Our Newsletter! Ive been doing nothing for years. It gets toad away. Its scary when it disappears. 232. 8. Whats the best thing about Switzerland? health is important. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. People only rain on my parade because they are jealous of my sun and tired of their shade., 14. Yes, of course, I am athletic, I surf the Internet every day. My farts aren't nearly as bad as my dogs'.